It’s like a videogame. A damn Nineties’ videogame with end-of-level monsters, more and more powerful, until you lose your patience and your spare lives. I used to spend whole afternoons on that sort of things, as a child. And now, see, I don’t even remember where the hell has my old Gameboy gotten to.
I’ve been asking myself a couple of things, these days, and I’m still not at all satisfied with the outcome. I was wondering why good times never last more than the blink of an eye, while hard times always seem to have the potential to drag on forever and kill you, even when they are nothing but a trick of your mind. And yes, wait – how come that the solutions that are supposed to help you get rid of a problem always end up bringing along new tiresome issues? Sure,I know, the answer is just life. but I’m one of those annoying people who can’t stand being stuck and unable to act on what it is that troubles them, so what?
The Challenge-and-Novelty department is closed for refurbishment, the sign on the wall says sorry, we’ve run out of stock. Too bad, for those who crave for action: sadly enough, that’s exactly what I need. Give me action, and you’ll witness my best. Give me rest, and you’ll see me crawl like a half-dead, brainless worm. I should write it in capitals on my door: coping with stillness is wearing.
I must look crazy, don’t I? Even my landlord, who I have hardly seen more than twice, dismisses my quirks with a hearty laugh. He’s sitting in my tiny kitchen, with a look that’s half worried and half amused. He says darling, you should do something for your nails. Everybody smiles, my flatmate pats me on the shoulder. And yes, I’ve been biting them so hard that the four nail polishes on my shelf will look like the most useless ornament for at least the whole next month. Hell. No classy red, no pitch black, and I won’t be able to test my new beloved purple. See, that’s what you get for being neurotic. Do me a favour, teach your kids not to turn out like me, won’t you?
Yes, I’m struggling; but I’d be a fool to think that there’s nothing I can turn to. There’s chocolate, for example – hot chocolate with cookies, like the one I’m going to make myself in a while, and no, there’s no room for guilt feelings today. There’s spending a whole day at home without complaining one single time – just writing, writing, and writing like I had not been doing for too much of a long time lately. There’s having friends around – ok, maybe not tonight, but tomorrow, or after tomorrow, who knows? There’s reading fiction. There’s that rewarding feeling you get when you have a sudden, unexpected, promising idea and there’s making plans for the week to come. Sometimes, if you’re lucky enough, there’s waking up with someone on your side; but you should know, by now, that you can’t really appreciate it until you learn how to come out of the maze by yourself.
What I’m trying to say is, that there is always something that makes your day. Just look. And if you don’t find it, look again. Look closer.